mememememe

I was going to write a "woe is me" post because I received some not so good news today, but I came up with a better idea that I hope will cheer me up and spur me on. Before I start, I just want to say that I am writing this post from my front porch. My dog, Booker, is right next to me, and only a few moments ago he charged out into the street after a Rottweiler the size of a pony. I have an old plywood desktop that I use to rest my laptop on, and I was trapped in my chair and could only pray that the Rottweiler was good natured. Turns out he was. I gave Booker a slight slap on the top of the head. I would rather not see my dog get mauled today.

When I was a little kid I would sometimes get accused of copying my older sisters. They would be engaged in a game or activity of some sort, and for some reason the idea of me trying to invent a similar activity would arouse their resentment. I suppose they saw it as a kind of juvenile plagiarism, that in some way their originality was being compromised. Looking at it this way, I can see how it must have been pretty annoying. But at the time I had little desire to be original on my own. "Stop copying me," they would say, and the idea of doing anything else would be impossible for me to conceive. In fact, the idea that they were forbidding me caused my desire for imitation to become greater.

I realize that the previous paragraph will produce some interesting comments from my primary readers, who happen to be those three very sisters. They may not remember this as I do, and every writer runs a great risk when writing about their families because of this memory dysfunction. Let me just say that I could well be misremembering, and no such things ever occurred. If these events did occur, let me state now that they in no way damaged my reverence for my sisters, in fact my esteem for them grew due to their tireless originality. How is that for the disclaimer of all disclaimers?

Now why would I go to all that trouble to explain this little blip of my childhood? Because now I am about to do exactly the same thing I did when I was six, copy one of my sisters. This time it is Emily. Emily, you are more than welcome to send me an email with size 72 font telling me to “stop copying you!”

Emily engages in a practice called memeing. That’s not a word, but I’m predicting it will be one day. Everyone knows the premise: If you are stuck on a desert island what movies or books would you chose to have with you and why? This may not be the original meme, it may not even be a meme at all, but it gives you an idea of what other memes are getting at. It seems like a fun indulgence, and whenever Emily posts one on her blog I want to do the same meme. Two things stop me. Usually the memes are something like, “who are the best feminist writers of the year and why?” or, “name the top ten things you love about eating organic produce.” Well, unfortunately, I have very little practical experience in either one of those fields, although I don’t discount them in any way, and, Emily, please don’t take these examples literally, I’m generalizing in order to make a point. Also, although I know this would be the furthest thing from Emily’s mind, I still have a desire to avoid copying my sisters in order to make up for being a pesky little brother.

So I decided to create my own meme. I want to come up with some questions I can really get my head around and that have to do with my interests, something that will indicate exactly who I am. It may run longer than ten questions, it may only be one really big question, who knows, I intend to totally make it up as I go along, symbolic of my approach to life.

1) If you fell through the rotten boards on your front porch and got stuck and became parched with thirst, what would you rather have to drink, chilled dirty sock water or warm flat Sierra Mist?
Chilled dirty sock water because Sierra Mist has too much sugar.

2) What would you rather do, make love in an outhouse or win free tickets to see the Eagles?
Do I even need to indicate the answer to this one? It’s kind of the same thing really.

3) When you were a child, what would you rather do, climb a tree or copy your sisters?
I would climb ten trees just for the opportunity to copy my sisters. Besides, where do you think I got the idea of climbing trees?

4) If you were stuck on a desert island would you rather have a TV/ DVD player that doesn’t work because there is no electricity on a desert island, or ten of your favorite books that are unreadable because they were drenched by the monsoons?
The DVD player because I could bust out the screen and create my own soap operas using shells and driftwood.

5) Of all of your neighbors, who is your favorite?
The one that used to own a rooster who would crow into our upstairs windows from 2am until 8am. The rooster, not the neighbor.

6) How many knats do you think have bitten you while you have been out on the porch writing this post?
Don’t know, 758?

7) How far are you willing to go for a cheap laugh?
I would write a nonsensical meme in the hopes that it would produce a laugh in someone far away that I will never hear.

8) How far would you go to get more people to read your blog?
I’m thinking about standing in the middle of a busy intersection in only cowboy boots, boxer shorts and a sign with my blog address on it. Either that, or have some cards made up.

9) Why do you blog?
To get messages out to my fan base, which, at this time, includes only one person, although he is enduring. He also happens to be me.

10) If you get to heaven and you can find out how many times you did something throughout your lifetime, what would it be?
Used the Lord’s name in vain.

11) If you were making up a fake meme and you ran out of ideas for questions, what would you do?
See question eleven.

12) If you were sitting in a hard wooden chair with the knats biting you would you be: a) uncomfortable, b) ready to end this post, c) hungry and very itchy, d) torn between your desire to get attention through humor and your desire not to be consumed by little flying ants?
How about giving a guy an all of the above?

13) If you are secretly superstitious and have a fear of the number 13, how many lame questions would you add to your fake meme in order for it not to end on the number 13?
At least one.

14) If you had the opportunity to drop Dick Cheney in the middle of an extremist Sunni militia encampment in only his briefs, would you take it?
No, but I would want to really, really, really badly.

There, once again I’ve copied one of my sisters activities, but I believe I’ve added my own little nuances to the exercise. Remember Emily, imitation is the greatest form of flattery. Or something like that.